up until a few years ago, i thought the words philanthropist and polygamist were one in the same. i assumed that if you're philanthropist, then you must be rich. because you're rich, you can easily find multiple women to marry. and because you care a great deal about humankind, then it's only natural that you'd want multiple wives. and because you're rich, you're above the law. so if you're rich and a good person, then you get to have multiple wives. if you're rich and don't have multiple wives, then you're probably not that charitable. i thought all philanthropists had multiple wives. i thought all polygamists were rich.

this was my logic.

then i saw a story about a polygamist in Utah arrested for well, polygamy. he was a hillbilly who lived on some dirt farm with 5 wives. he looked more like a charity case than one who gives to charities. i think i made a comment like "how the hell did that hick become a philanthropist? he doesn't look like he helps people at all."

i got a blank stares in return, followed by "what the hell are you talking about?"

pinder: or once, for fathers day, we painted rocks as presents. i was walking home and got into a fight. i took out the rock i painted and threw it at the kid and hit him in the head from a good 20feet away! it was pretty funny.
paul: haha
paul: ever read fifth business?
paul: thats how that book starts
paul: with a kid throwing a rock at the head of another kid
pinder: yeah, that book rocks.

the music edition

from the Drudge Report earlier today:

Guns n Roses will release the long awaited 'Chinese Democracy' album on Labor Day...

can you name any band on the charts today that even compares to gnr? can you name a guitarist from any current band that's better than slash? you can't. so then we're agreed, guns n roses is the greatest rock n roll band of all time forever and ever till the end of time to the max times infinity plus one.

axl, please don't suck.

***

dave grohl, krist novoselic, just show this to the judge.

***

moby has been crying that his album isn't selling because of something he calls the "pearl jam effect", meaning bands who have "tech-savvy" fans will do poorly in the charts because fans will burn the cd, whereas bands who have less technically savvy fans will do well on the charts because fans will buy the cd. moby, your album isn't selling because it's a piece of shit. stupid fucking vegan.

laura at the modern age has a nice little rant about this:

There's a reason Celine Dion still sells records- it's because PEOPLE ARE FUCKING IDIOTS, not because her fans are too stupid to burn her CD...

***

i went to a record store last week:

pinder: i've looked around and don't see the album i want, could you look it up?
dude: sure, what's the band?
pinder: lovage
*dude types, scans screen
dude: music to make love to...
pinder: yeah, that's it
dude: it's in the rap section
pinder: holy crap, i like rap?
dude (laughing): apparently so.

i hate how you have to talk to someone at record stores to look up music. there should be self-help kiosks. i don't want to talk to some indie loser record clerk dude who thinks he's better than me. that's my job. that's the thing i do.

anyways, i really like this album. it's not rap. it's more like gorillaz. jennifer charles' sultry vocals are very sexy. the only downside are the spoken word tracks kid koala always does. they should have kept him in check like they did on the gorillaz album.

***

more capsule reviews of albums:

P.O.D - Satellite
if you like Limp Bizkit and if you like Creed, then you're an idiot.

Puddle of Mud - Come Clean
what? you mean this is a different band then P.O.D? see above for the review then.

Our Lady Peace - Gravity
try as hard as you want, americans won't give a shit about you.

Tragically Hip - In Violet Light
also, see above review.

Papa Roach - Lovehatetragedy
oh god, more songs by rich white kids all upset because mom didn't buy them that new gameboy. lovehatetragedy indeed.

Green Day - Shenanigans
further proof that your career is over after you release a greatest hits album.

***

Bono, or as Butthead used to call him, Boner, really needs a cock punch. I hate it when celebrities get a social conscience.

i've always believed that you should introuduce people. if you're in a situation where you bump into one friend while you're with another, and they don't know each other, then it's just common courtesy to introuduce them. it's the least you can do so one person doesn't feel awkward if you're going to carry on a conversation with the other.

then one day i was out shopping with a friend, oh, let's just call her gloria. we're walking through a mall when i hear someone calling my name. i turn back, hey, that's my buddy's sister. let's just call her ida. after the initial hellos,

"oh, this is my friend gloria."
"gloria, this is..."

and i drew a complete blank.

"uhh....wow, i've completely forgotten your name! i'm such an asshole!"

after a few awkward laughs, we got the hell out of there. i knew her name when i first saw her, but it was gone 20 seconds later. i felt like such an idiot. but even so, it was pretty funny.

why do some people wear wildlife t-shirts? are these the same people who were in the 4H club in highschool? when they're out shopping do they hold up the eagle t-shirt and think "oh man, this is gonna look so sweet with my dirty jeans!" or in the morning, do they have trouble deciding which one to wear? "hmmm, do i feel like a wolf today, or a mountain lion? no, i feel sensitive today...i think i'll wear the deer one!"

please, save us all the embarassment, just buy a plain t-shirt next time.

now what's in you that is your own?

i've come to a point where friends ask if what i said was an original thought, or from the simpsons or lyrics to some obscure band. so either i need new jokes, new music, or new friends. :)

you, with the intuition, you take too many pills. but i've seen you without, so i understand.

you, with the health problems, you're an alcoholic.

you, the ingenue, your friends are sluts, why aren't you?

you, with the wife, i think she's hot.

you, with the husband, oh nevermind.

you, with the hair, i can't believe i'm jealous of you. you of all people!

you, with the truth, i'm amazed at your ability to live a lie. you always did have dedication and a good memory.

you, in the wheelchair with the cigarette, smoking is gonna stunt your growth.

you, without the job, hasn't it been over a year now? how do you pay the rent?

you, with all the "friends", you should fuck them all.

you, the one who prepares jokes in advance, no one cares.

you, with the art, it sucks.

and me? the normal one is always the most fucked up.

identity revealed. photo by danica lee.

this picture pretty much sums up why i hate tom cruise. l. ron hubbard's clones must have sold him that smile so he could reach that operating thetan level VIII. the only good movies he's ever been in are Jerry Maguire and The Outsiders. that's it, everything else was a piece of shit.

"but what about the complex issues of perception and relationships that were raised in Eyes Wide Shut?"

you're over thinking. it was a piece of shit. the only thing good about it were the venetian masks and nicole kidman's ass.

Minority Report looks horrible as well. i bet he uses that "stay alive, i will find you!" line. even though it's from Last of the Mohicans, tom somehow finds a way to say it in every movie. it's in his contract, right next to the 8 mandatory 6'4" bodygaurds clause.

The Morning News has a behind the scenes look at the making of the Minority Report trailer, including how they came up with the tagline:

'On June 21st, the intelligence...gets...real'

How about 'On June 21st, minorities...get...reported.'

Yeah, fabulous, that'll knock 'em dead in the urban markets. How about, 'Get ready for…Cruise control.'

allow me to state the obvious: good god is world cup soccer ever boring. why does every game end in a tie? what happened to shootouts? you know how people usually say there's lots of running involved with soccer? well that's a lie. one guy runs around and chases the ball, everyone else just stands around.

the only way it's fun for me is if i put it on mute and do my own announcing:

pre-game:

"you'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! and Pizzoza!"

"this match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth: Mexico or Portugal!"

during:

"halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! holds it! HOLDS IT!!"

post-game:

"what began as a traditional soccer riot has escalated into a city-wide orgy
of destruction."

and even that's only fun for about 5 minutes, or until i discover i'm the only one laughing at the jokes.

hey, it was the first time i've ever drank alone, and i get called an alcoholic! having one drink isn't really drinking. besides, i'm really a chocoholic, except for alcohol.

the white stripes show last night went pretty much like this:

it was the best rock n' roll show i've seen in a very long time. i think they were wearing the same clothes they were on the mtv movie awards. jack white has an awesome voice and is a great guitarist. meg is hot. they played so many songs, so my normal method of memorizing setlists failed about halfway through. however, i do know that the following songs were played, not in this order:

from the latest white blood cells:

- dead leaves and the dirty ground
- hotel yorba
- finding it harder to be a gentleman
- fell in love with a girl
- little room
- the union forever
- we're going to be friends
- offend in every way
- i think i smell a rat

from second album de stilj:

- you're pretty good looking
- hello operator
- apple blossom
- death letter (w/ extra verse)
- let's build a home

from the debut white stripes:

- jimmy the exploder
- sugar never tasted so good
- wasting my time
- astro
- cannon
- i fought piranhas
- screwdriver

and others:

- jolene (dolly parton cover)
- some blues cover (only one i didn't know the name of)
- lord, send me an angel
- jack the ripper
- love sick (bob dylan cover)
- rated x (loretta lynn cover w/ meg on vocals)
- bo weevil

this post is mainly for my record keeping. oh, and also for gloating.

it's saturday night and i'm sitting home alone, thinking about my hair, while watching trading spaces and drinking smirnoff ice.

i'm such a grade nine girl. which means i'll probably throw up later. someone please hold my hair up away from my face.

i've driven by the same crossing gaurd lady in front of the elementary school every weekday for almost 6 years now. today i waved at her as i drove by. she smiled and waved back.

i've walked by the same shopkeepers who stand at the entrance to their shops every morning on my way to the office for 2 years now. today i said hello to each of them.

monday morning i'll go back to ignoring them.

don't you realize that by nagging me when i do foolish things, you just enable my life script? and that sends me into a shame spiral.

have you seen that verizon commerical where that guy tests the network range by walking 2 steps and saying "can you hear me now? good" into a cellphone? maybe it's just because i'm a programmer, but that has to be the dumbest algorithm i've ever seen. it's completely ineffecient. assuming this test can only be done by two actual people and a cellphone, how can this algorithm be improved? let's analyze the current alogorithm first:

employee #1: can you hear me now?
employee #2: yes*
employee #1: good

* employee #2 might also be a moron and say something like "yes i can hear you", but we don't know so i'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he says "yes".

# of syllables used: 7

what a waste of breath. the "good" acknowledgment is completely useless. just the fact that you heard the other person should be the acknowledgement itself.

a proposed algorithm:

employee #1: ping
employee #2: pong

# of syllables used: 2

i'm all about the effeciency. in fact, that's what people say about me when i'm not around.

***

james woods has always been one of my favourite actors. he's been the best celebrity guest star on the simpsons ever. but now he has stooped to doing those fucking annoying blockbuster commercials with the rabbit and gerbil. i hate those commercials. i'm begging richard gere to walk into that petshop and buy that gerbil so he can shove it up his ass, just get it off the tv! those elvis-impersonating elf ads from the past holiday season were just as bad. blockbuster desperately needs a new ad agency. james woods needs a new agent.

***

subway's "eat fresh" ad campaign sucks too. i'm not talking about the jared ads. i like jared. i'm thinking of the other ones with that other guy. you know, the guy with the haircut. since when do fashion models eat at subway? i haven't seen one. in another ad, he goes to a fried chicken place where they show chicken sitting under a heat lamp. he looks into the camera and asks, "you call that fresh? come to subway blah blah". so, when you go to subway and order a chicken sub, they pull out a little pre-packaged "cup of chicken" from a fridge and throw it into the microwave. yeah, that's real fucking fresh.

***

"by the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. no, this is not a joke: kill yourself... i know what the marketing people are thinking now too: 'oh. he's going for that anti-marketing dollar. that's a huge market.' oh man, i am not doing that, you fucking evil scumbags."

-- bill hicks

i ran a 5K funrun today; my company was running as a corporate team. i ran the 10K vancouver sunrun back in april as well. that one was hard. my blisters had blisters! today's run went by smooth. no blisters. i'm like, an athelete now.

i think they were raising money for charity... they were collecting canned goods for the starving people in...err, you know, one of them loser countries. hehe, it was actually for a science fair foundation so your weiner kids can build crappy model solar systems and volcanoes. hey, i've got a bachelor of science degree, i support science!

anyways, i jogged the entire 5K in about 35 mins, at my slow, leisurely pace. as the race went on, some people in my pack would run really fast by me and then start walking. so i'd catch up and pass them. but they'd start running again and pass me again. this went on about 5 or 6 times. so at the end, with less than 100m to go, i sprinted to the finish line and passed them all. haha suckers! i win!

usually with these types of running events, you get a free t-shirt. which of course i'd never actually wear to the race. wearing the same t-shirt that thousands others are wearing is so not me. i run a race in style.

afterwards, we went to science world because runners get free admission. we're sitting at a puzzle table, and my boss is trying to solve a puzzle that involves 2 oddly shaped triangle blocks that you are supposed to put together to form a pyramid. he gave up after a few minutes and claimed "how the hell do you do that with only 2 pieces?". i grabbed the blocks and solved it in about 5 seconds :)

i just came back from seeing the hives. i got there late though, and only saw 40 minutes of the show. i stepped in just as pelle howled the end of main offender — "why me?!" but it's not like they have a vast library of albums to play from anyway, so i probably only missed 15mins or so.

anyways, from what i saw it was a good show. at least i saw them play all the songs i like and capped off the evening with my favourite aka I.D.I.O.T. the lead singer looks and acts like a young mick jagger, but you know, sings punk instead. one guitarist looks like tobey mcguire, the other looks like horatio sanz from snl, and the bassist looks morales from oz. i didn't get a good look at the drummer.

i'll be there early for the white stripes show next weekend though. those stripers rock.

***

on another note, it's time for me to buy a cell phone. i don't really need one since i'd only ever call like 3 people, but if it means not having to use a public payphone again, then i must have one. i hate payphones. first you have to wander the streets looking for one. it's always a block away, never right in front of you. and when you do find one, it won't accept your quarter. insert quarter...chug, chug, chug.....clink. insert different quater...chug, chug, chug.....clink. fucking cock goblin phone company. so you have to walk another block to the next one. and that handset is all sticky and the entire area smells like a urinal, so you walk another block. and when you're finally on the phone, you just know the people walking by are snickering at you... "ooooh, look honey, it's one of those non-cellphone people"

and after all that, you get the answering machine.