"why do they keep showing this every 5 minutes? what has she ever done? oh who gives a fuck about her? fuck her!"

sometimes i wonder where i get it from!

***

if you're wondering how is it that the media can compile such exhaustive retrospectives and biographies about a famous person when he/she dies, it's because they edit and prepare the pieces before the person is even dead. if it's widely known a public figure will die soon, documentarites and specials are produced while the person is still alive, but will only air once that said person has passed on. they're produced usually with various holes so they can edit live reactions from friends and admirers in to those spots later. that's why the sunday paper is able to print a 12 page special report on the queen mother. that's why there was a 30 minute retrospective on the life of pierre trudeau the same night he died.

why do i know this? i know a lot of (useless) things.

i was about to step out of the shower when dizzy reed started playing the opening of "november rain" through the speakers. i may have run out of hot water, but for the next 10 minutes the showerhead was the microphone, the shampoo was slash, the conditioner was duff, the soap dish was matt, and jesus fuck, i was axl rose.

and you will know us by the trail of dead will be in vancouver on april 13th. i don't know anybody who likes the trail of dead.

the white stripes will also be here june 9th. i don't know anybody who likes the white stripes.

the warped tour will finally return to vancouver in july. the lineup kinda sucks this year, and so does punk lately. but one of my favourite bands, lagwagon will be playing. i don't know anybody who likes lagwagon.

i don't know anybody as cool as me.

i'll be at these shows. say hi if you see me there.

the oscars index:

estimated number of times i said "oh fuck off" during the telecast: at least 20

percentage of telecast actually watched: 20%

number of times i switched the channel to muchmusic, but switched back immediately because of a Creed video: 2

number of times i begged the winner to actually wing it instead of pulling out a piece of paper: 12

number of oscars tom wilkinson should have won: 1

number of times i said "who the fuck are you? you're just an actor": 5

number of times i noted how hollywood loves fellating itself: 2

number of times i said "where the fuck are whoopi goldberg's eyebrows?": 23

new header. can you see the face? i see several; one is right here ^

it's an unaltered photo of a glass of ice water. well, unaltered except for the cropping and the logo.

***

it's been a very uninspiring week. something was just off all week. for example:

- i gave a few coins to a homeless guy

- i read a warblog

- i read the back cover of an l. ron hubbard book

- i e-mailed people i don't know

- i thought a hot chic was boring

- i liked the new Korn song

- i thought the rerelease of E.T. was a good thing

- i watched jay leno

all of which is completely and utterly wrong.

confession time: i've never been to Ikea. what am i missing? why must I go? what's there other than a bunch of crappy furniture?

one day i took this photo:

the fan was oscillating at a hypnotically slow pace. i stood and watched.
eyes focusing on one blade making the rotation, and then shifting out, looking into the blur. i thought i'd better take another photo:

it's a different photo, but the fan is in the exact same position! it was moving, i swear. it wasn't just in my head.

how to cheat in the carpool lane

the key is to get into the lane in front of somebody else who's cheating. then slow down so that he's almost (safely) tailgating you. just make sure there's no room for another car to turn into the lane between you and the cheater behind you.

if a cop spots you, there'll be no room for the cop to pull in behind you and flash his lights. he'll have to either get in front, or pull in behind the cheater behind you. then ticket goes to him, not you! most likely.

note: i don't cheat in the car pool lane regularly at all. i think i've only done it 3 or 4 times, and only on heavy traffic days where i didn't give a fuck.

salon.com has a very nice piece about Bill Hicks, the black-humored articulator of doubt. it's not the usual fluff crap salon is so good at. in this case, the writer actually knew bill and shares a few anecdotes. it's been 8 years since he died of pancreatic cancer, and he's just now being noticed for the true comic genius he was. there's also a new biography entitled American Scream: The Bill Hicks Story. i've ordered it and i hope it doesn't suck.

at least 2 people have mentioned that i haven't talked about Tool in a while, so that's enough for me to go on:

***

Tool starts the australasia tour in april. i would have liked to go to the april 12th show in Osaka, Japan, but work and other schedules conflict with flying over the pacific.

***

the band also recently won a grammy for "best metal performance" for Schism. the acceptance speeches:

Danny: "I'd like to thank my parents for putting up with the cacophony I created for 15 or 20 years, Bientje, and Satan."

Justin: "I want to thank Alex Grey for doing our artwork and my mom for doing my dad."

***

LEGAL DISCLAIMER: Tool's opinions do not reflect those of the producers of deftone.com, who don't consider the Grammy an award at all.

***

Tool has a wicked sense of humour, which is often lost on a great many of stupid people. i'm sure many attendees where aghast over the Satan nod. i on the other hand, laughed. some other quips from front man Maynard James Keenan:

Maynard, when asked what he thought about Fred Durst being such a fan of Tool:

"if the lunch-lady in high school hits on you, you appreciate the compliment, but you're not really gonna start dating the lunch-lady, are ya?"

Maynard on touring with King Crimson at the Seattle show:

"it's an honor being able to play with King Crimson this tour. being able to play with King Crimson is like Lenny Kravitz being able to play with Led Zeppelin or Britney Spears being able to play with Debbie Gibson. i'm a big Debbie Gibson fan. not so much a Britney fan though. more of a Christina fan. trailer trash...mascara..."

Maynard on form, frequencey and spiritual concepts:

"Having a background in science, anyone will tell you that everything pretty much is light. Form and frequency, quantum physics and the fact that humans are made up of bits of matter (light), at this level, particles neither come into nor go out of existence, and at that level we are eternal. And although pain operates at one level, there is no pain at the underlying level of matter. People operate at different levels. Does that make any sense? These are huge, lofty spiritual concepts. Keith Richards is still walking around, doesn't that prove something?"

this is the dreaded lack of updates update. what gives? my life is boring. a boring life in a boring town. it gets harder everyday to think of better things to say so i'd rather say nothing.

scene: standing in line at an eatery in a foodcourt. early 40-ish guy with a ponytail and a sport blazer behind me.

ponytail: hey, what are you playing?
me: hmm what?
ponytail (pointing at my left hand): your fingers, looks like you were playing guitar. i play too.
me: oh cool. yeah, i do that if i'm trying to nail down a song.
ponytail: what song?
me: uhhh, it's called "we'd have a riot doing heroin" by a band called "the queers"
ponytail: oh.

he didn't say anything to me after that.

there's a new header image up top in case you missed it. yes, i'm just another fevered ego tainting our collective unconscious, making you pay a higher psychic price than you ever imagined. really, that's what i am :)

***

war memorial statue located outside the Water Street station in Vancouver, BC

some more photos of the statue that were posted earlier. it's a difficult statue to photograph because of where it's placed. it's half in the shadow of water street station, half backlit against the north shore sky.

when asked to cure boredom the other day, this is what i sang:

pindy drives through harlem

watch him there he goes!

pindy drives through harlem

passing down the road ooooooh waaaaaaay ooooooh waaaaay oh

yeah pindy drives through harlem

yes sir there he goes

pindy drives through harlem

passing ugly girls ooooooh waaaaaaay ooooooh waaaaay oh yeah!

--- based on the classic song "wimpy drives through harlem" by the great punk band, the queers.

i was wondering how long it would take till i get an e-mail from an angry aussie. the answer? not long. so russell crowe isn't really australian, he's from new zealand. fact checking? pffft what am i? a journalist? hell, i just wanted to say "malonga gilderchuck". all i know is i've got a script i'm heading towards the ending.

in fact, i love aussies! seriously, they're fabulous drunks! i was a part of the that short-lived infatuation north america experienced in the late 80s with australian culture. i can take you to the basement right now and show you the "koalas next 5km" sign i've still got up covering a hole in the drywall. i used to have a koala fridge magnet too. i don't know where that went, maybe a dingo ate it.

anyways, read the 9th bullet on the about page and always remember, i bring you love.

now if you don't mind, i'm gonna put my toque back on and crawl back into the igloo. i think the pet polar bear is getting into my bacon supply and i'm missing the hockey and lacrosse games on CBC, eh.